The 2007 Southeastern Conference preview... College Football's Royale with Cheese

So here we go, a mere week before kick off of the 2007 season. Ladies, kiss your husbands goodbye, for you'll not see them again until after the yule log burns out. It's about this time every season that every jack-off with a printing press in his mother's basement is churning out copy faster than a meth fiend, and I’m sure you’re getting tired of reading the same old boring pre-season run downs of who’s gonna win the SEC, who is going to challenge Darren McFadden for the title of Lord Superior/ Great Overlord and Master of the Universe, or which coach is the next to get fired. However, I felt I’d be remiss to dismiss this time honored tradition. Much like crack, it's I just chose to bring it to you from a different perspective. That is from the perspective of the baddest Mother F*cker on the planet…

So, how did we arrange this you ask? Well, here at the Cup we spare no expense, and it just so happens that Sam has a house out on Star Island, and we also go to the same barber. Anyway, BFPC caught up with Sam and got the lowdown on how things will unfold this season. Note, I've taken certain liberties within this course of this interview, but just be prepared that the language is raw and NSFW, but that's how SLJ rolls. Thus without further ado, tBFPC and Samuel L. Jackson are proud to present the stone cold locks for this upcoming SEC football season.

tBFPC: Well, I can tell you what a privilege this is to have you on our inaugural SEC preview Mr. Jackson, shall we get on with it?

SLJ: For sure.

tBFPC: So historically speaking the SEC is known year in and year out as being ht best conference, top to bottom, in the nation.

SLJ: The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to beat every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.



I beg to differ, the Big-10 would have something to say about that. I should know, I'm an impartial expert.


tBFPC: Good deal, so my initial thoughts are that this league is wide open. Of course the logical pick is LSU, but we all know the record of the trendy pick in seasons past. The favorite tends to choke like the Braves in October. So assuming corndog nation is left in the lurch that leaves us with Auburn, Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee, and Georgia being the legitimate threats to win this thing. In the second tier we have the 'Cocks and Fu#!$@. And although much improved, Vandy and the Mildcats don't stand a doughnut's chance in Phat Phil's office of contending. Both could well end up bowling which would be a solid effort for both programs. So we are now left with the state of Mississippi, Which reminds me of Alabama's state motto: "Thank God for Mississippi". So how should we separate these teams at the top? I prefer to look at schedules and returning starters (esp at key positions like along both sides of the line and at quarterback).


My lightsaber is the one that says "bad motherfucker"


So what we are left with is:

Auburn: 5th year senior qb, 2 returning OL, 4 DL,
schedule: @ Ark, @ UF, @ LSU, @UGA, Fu@$! comes to the plains

Arkansas: qb, What the fuck is that? 5 returning upperclassmen (UC) OL, 3 UC DL
schedule: @ fu#@!, @UT, @ LSU; Auburn and Carolina at Fayetteville

Florida: qb, Tebow, both lines are being reworked. Derrick Harvey (DE) is a stud
schedule: @ LSU and @ Miss. UT, Auburn, FSU all come to the swamp.

Tennessee: Sr. 3 yr starter qb, 2 returning starters on OL, 3 on DL.
schedule: @ dirty stinking hippies, @UF, @ Fu$#!; UGA, Ark, Carolina all come to Knoxvegas

UGA: Soph, 2nd year starter qb, reworking on both sides of the line (big holes to fill replacing Moses and Johnson on the DL)
schedule: @ Fu@$!, @UT, @ GT; Okie State, Carolina, and Auburn all come to UGA. Also, mark UF down as a loss.

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So it's pretty open. That's why I'm going with Arkansas as the upset pick.

SLJ: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Go'n against the favorite, and pickin' a bitch ass underdog ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
tBFPC: It's not. It's the same ballpark.
SLJ: Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of pickin differs from mine, but, you know, goin 'gainst the money, and pickin' the favorite, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, pickin' the favorite don't mean shit.
tBFPC: Have you ever picked the favorite?
SLJ: Don't be tellin' me about pickin'. I'm the pickin' fuckin' master.
tBFPC: Picked a lot of 'em?
SLJ: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be parlayin' or nothin'.
tBFPC: Would you give a guy an upset lock?
SLJ: Fuck you.
tBFPC: You give them a lot?
SLJ: Fuck you.
tBFPC: You know, I'm getting kinda tired. I could use a pick myself.
SLJ: Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' a little pissed here.

tBFPC: So, I guess you're not too high on the Hawgs?
SLJ: No man.
tBFPC: Why, Are you Jewish?
SLJ: Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all.
tBFPC: Why not?
SLJ: Pigs are filthy animals. I don't pick filthy animals.
tBFPC: But McFadden is gooood. Jones is gooood.
SLJ: Hey, South Carolina State may run like shit through a goose, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't pick the filthy motherfuckers. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't pickin' nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces.

tBFPC: Fair enough, so who do you like?

SLJ: LSU; LSU and Tennessee.
tBFPC: Yeah, I think I pretty much agree. As much as I don't like picking the favorite, LSU is loaded and has the schedule in their favor.

So LSU v. UT in the SECCG. That's my pick and I'm sticking to it.

The league is loaded, from top to bottom, with superstars. Players like Darren McFadden on offense and Glen Dorsey on defense. It's a monster, and ya betta recognize. The league has gone 7-1 in the BCS since 2001, with two national titles. During that span, the Big Ten went 4-6 (with Ohio State winning three of those), the Big 12 went 3-6, and the ACC was 0-6. Since the inception of the B(ull)CS(hit) championship series, only three teams have won the MNC with a blemish on their record. What do these teams have in common you may ask? They were all from the SEC (yet an undefeated Auburn team was somehow deemed unworthy of the privilege of playing against the media's anointed).

Best Player in the league: Darren McFadden. You remember Super Tecmo "Bo", this is him. incarnate.

Best 5 players you may not have heard of:
1. Earl Bennett, WR Vandy
2. Peyton Hillis, RB Arky
3. Rafael Little, RB UK
4. Jasper Brinkley, LB 'Cocks
5. Sen'Derrick Marks, DE Aub

Team that will surprise:
Vanderbilt: The 'dores have a solid team, and look to have their best chance to go bowling in the last quarter century.

Team that will disappoint:
Florida: UF is ranked in the top 5 to start the season, and looses a lot of last year's MNC squad. They have a more favorable schedule, and a lot of talent but lack experience. Look for UF to fall back to around 9-3.

Predicted order of finish
SEC W
1. LSU
2. Auburn
3. Arkansas
4. Alabama
5. Ole Miss
6. Miss St.

SEC E
1. Tennessee
2. Florida
3. Georgia
4. South Carolina
5. Vandy
6. Kentucky

Championship game
LSU over Tennessee