So, what's the difference between a Yankee and a Muscovy duck you ask? One is a disgusting and loathsome invasive species that uses Florida as it's own personal toilet. The other has feathers. Everyone in Florida knows the persistent plague of festering feces factories that are otherwise known as the Muscovy duck, Cairina moschata. I'm pretty sure that Obi Wan sliced the beak off of one of these bastards in the the Mos Eisley cantina scene in Star Wars. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, and watch your step. These son's of bitches shit everywhere."
Muscovy's aren't true ducks (like say a mallard, for example), they are actually tree dwellers, and instead of the standard "AFLAC!" they emit a hissing noise that sounds like a baby farting. The males can grow to upwards of 15 pounds, and they can be discerned by their mottled coloring and hideously disfigured face. Seriously, I've seen better complexions at the Mercy Hospital burn unit. A single duck is capable of producing nearly a half a pound worth of putrid butt ooze each day, and these ducks don't exactly travel alone. Luckily for me, I live next to a canal and people love to feed these guys so there is no shortage of shit. There's nothing quite like walking out to get the paper in the morning and stepping in a giant pile of duck flop to get your Sunday started off right. I should also note that since the Muscovy is a nonnative and invasive species, I'm free to harass and "humanely euthanize" it.
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! There's a spot that hasn't been shat upon!
Thankfully, I have a dog in whose genetic makeup is so ingrained the desire to seek and destroy birds that eradication of the poop flingers appears to be her primary goal in life. When the females are fledging chicks (which is pretty much every 3o minutes), they tend to be fairly aggressive. On several occasions the females have charged Katie. She responds by grabbing them by the neck and shaking vigorously (I never said they were smart animals). And yes, to answer your question, this is immediately followed by massive amounts of crapping on the part of the duck.
On our nightly walk this evening, we were approached by a youngling of the poopiest kind. I tried to pull the dog in the other direction, but it was no use. With one quick snap, a couple of chomps, and a gulp there was one less duckling to contend with. Like I said, these animals didn't branch too far off the lineage that spawned the dodo bird. Oh well, at least that's one less Muscovy to deal with. I'm just hoping the pooping isn't contagious.
Is there a better show on TV right now then Rescue Me (Wed night on FX @ 10:00 EST)? Let me save you the trouble, the answer is no. You gotta give FX props for constantly churning out quality programing. Well, except for Nip/Tuck. That show is just F'ed up. Anyway, in case for some reason you've not caught this show, it's a drama (dramedy would actually be a more apt descriptor) that focuses on the lives of a group of New York City firefighters in the months and years following the September 11th attacks on the WTC. The main character, Tommy Gavin, is portrayed by Dennis Leary (who also happens to be the show's co-creater). Gavin's life is full of turmoil. He is a self-absorbed , womanizing, self-destructive, alcoholic who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and is constantly talking to dead people. Or to put it more succinctly, he's Irish.
This show delves into some deep topics such as depression, homosexuality, alcoholism, and the fallout of 9/11; However, the writers provide enough levity that you don't end up wanting to suck down a fifth of Jameson at the end of the hour. Really, if you haven't checked this show out yet, do yourself a favor and watch it. Or better yet, rent the first 3 seasons on DVD and start from the beginning. I give this one 4 (out of a possible four) pimp cups.
So here we go, a mere week before kick off of the 2007 season. Ladies, kiss your husbands goodbye, for you'll not see them again until after the yule log burns out. It's about this time every season that every jack-off with a printing press in his mother's basement is churning out copy faster than a meth fiend, and I’m sure you’re getting tired of reading the same old boring pre-season run downs of who’s gonna win the SEC, who is going to challenge Darren McFadden for the title of Lord Superior/ Great Overlord and Master of the Universe, or which coach is the next to get fired. However, I felt I’d be remiss to dismiss this time honored tradition. Much like crack, it's I just chose to bring it to you from a different perspective. That is from the perspective of the baddest Mother F*cker on the planet…
So, how did we arrange this you ask? Well, here at the Cup we spare no expense, and it just so happens that Sam has a house out on Star Island, and we also go to the same barber. Anyway, BFPC caught up with Sam and got the lowdown on how things will unfold this season. Note, I've taken certain liberties within this course of this interview, but just be prepared that the language is raw and NSFW, but that's how SLJ rolls. Thus without further ado, tBFPC and Samuel L. Jackson are proud to present the stone cold locks for this upcoming SEC football season.
tBFPC: Well, I can tell you what a privilege this is to have you on our inaugural SEC preview Mr. Jackson, shall we get on with it?
SLJ: For sure.
tBFPC: So historically speaking the SEC is known year in and year out as being ht best conference, top to bottom, in the nation.
SLJ: The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to beat every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.
I beg to differ, the Big-10 would have something to say about that. I should know, I'm an impartial expert.
tBFPC: Good deal, so my initial thoughts are that this league is wide open. Of course the logical pick is LSU, but we all know the record of the trendy pick in seasons past. The favorite tends to choke like the Braves in October. So assuming corndog nation is left in the lurch that leaves us with Auburn, Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee, and Georgia being the legitimate threats to win this thing. In the second tier we have the 'Cocks and Fu#!$@. And although much improved, Vandy and the Mildcats don't stand a doughnut's chance in Phat Phil's office of contending. Both could well end up bowling which would be a solid effort for both programs. So we are now left with the state of Mississippi, Which reminds me of Alabama's state motto: "Thank God for Mississippi". So how should we separate these teams at the top? I prefer to look at schedules and returning starters (esp at key positions like along both sides of the line and at quarterback).
My lightsaber is the one that says "bad motherfucker"
So what we are left with is:
Auburn: 5th year senior qb, 2 returning OL, 4 DL, schedule: @ Ark, @ UF, @ LSU, @UGA, Fu@$! comes to the plains
Arkansas: qb, What the fuck is that? 5 returning upperclassmen (UC) OL, 3 UC DL schedule: @ fu#@!, @UT, @ LSU; Auburn and Carolina at Fayetteville
Florida: qb, Tebow, both lines are being reworked. Derrick Harvey (DE) is a stud schedule: @ LSU and @ Miss. UT, Auburn, FSU all come to the swamp.
Tennessee: Sr. 3 yr starter qb, 2 returning starters on OL, 3 on DL. schedule: @ dirty stinking hippies, @UF, @ Fu$#!; UGA, Ark, Carolina all come to Knoxvegas
UGA: Soph, 2nd year starter qb, reworking on both sides of the line (big holes to fill replacing Moses and Johnson on the DL) schedule: @ Fu@$!, @UT, @ GT; Okie State, Carolina, and Auburn all come to UGA. Also, mark UF down as a loss. So it's pretty open. That's why I'm going with Arkansas as the upset pick.
SLJ: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Go'n against the favorite, and pickin' a bitch ass underdog ain't even the same fuckin' thing. tBFPC: It's not. It's the same ballpark. SLJ: Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of pickin differs from mine, but, you know, goin 'gainst the money, and pickin' the favorite, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, pickin' the favorite don't mean shit. tBFPC: Have you ever picked the favorite? SLJ: Don't be tellin' me about pickin'. I'm the pickin' fuckin' master. tBFPC: Picked a lot of 'em? SLJ: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be parlayin' or nothin'. tBFPC: Would you give a guy an upset lock? SLJ: Fuck you. tBFPC: You give them a lot? SLJ: Fuck you. tBFPC: You know, I'm getting kinda tired. I could use a pick myself. SLJ: Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' a little pissed here.
tBFPC: So, I guess you're not too high on the Hawgs? SLJ: No man. tBFPC: Why, Are you Jewish? SLJ: Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all. tBFPC: Why not? SLJ: Pigs are filthy animals. I don't pick filthy animals. tBFPC: But McFadden is gooood. Jones is gooood. SLJ: Hey, South Carolina State may run like shit through a goose, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't pick the filthy motherfuckers. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't pickin' nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces.
tBFPC: Fair enough, so who do you like?
SLJ: LSU; LSU and Tennessee. tBFPC: Yeah, I think I pretty much agree. As much as I don't like picking the favorite, LSU is loaded and has the schedule in their favor.
So LSU v. UT in the SECCG. That's my pick and I'm sticking to it.
The league is loaded, from top to bottom, with superstars. Players like Darren McFadden on offense and Glen Dorsey on defense. It's a monster, and ya betta recognize. The league has gone 7-1 in the BCS since 2001, with two national titles. During that span, the Big Ten went 4-6 (with Ohio State winning three of those), the Big 12 went 3-6, and the ACC was 0-6. Since the inception of the B(ull)CS(hit) championship series, only three teams have won the MNC with a blemish on their record. What do these teams have in common you may ask? They were all from the SEC (yet an undefeated Auburn team was somehow deemed unworthy of the privilege of playing against the media's anointed).
Best Player in the league: Darren McFadden. You remember Super Tecmo "Bo", this is him. incarnate.
Best 5 players you may not have heard of: 1. Earl Bennett, WR Vandy 2. Peyton Hillis, RB Arky 3. Rafael Little, RB UK 4. Jasper Brinkley, LB 'Cocks 5. Sen'Derrick Marks, DE Aub
Team that will surprise: Vanderbilt: The 'dores have a solid team, and look to have their best chance to go bowling in the last quarter century.
Team that will disappoint: Florida: UF is ranked in the top 5 to start the season, and looses a lot of last year's MNC squad. They have a more favorable schedule, and a lot of talent but lack experience. Look for UF to fall back to around 9-3.
Predicted order of finish SEC W 1. LSU 2. Auburn 3. Arkansas 4. Alabama 5. Ole Miss 6. Miss St.
SEC E 1. Tennessee 2. Florida 3. Georgia 4. South Carolina 5. Vandy 6. Kentucky
It was announced earlier today that Hurricane Dean plans to gain strength, then it's going to Mexico, and then on to Texas, and then Georgia, and then Florida, and then all the way to the White House Byaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
*I got this one in the email and got a chuckle out of it.
So, recently NOAA adjusted their projections for the 2007 tropical cyclone forecast for the Atlantic basin. The forecast calls for a maximum of 17 named storms and 9 hurricanes with 5 of them becoming major (cat 3-5 on the saffir-simpson). Now, while this is a slight decrease over the earlier forecast, it should be noted that they are calling for a 85% chance of an above average season. You can see the projected climate pattern for August and October below
History being our guide, we’re not likely to see a repeat of the 2005 season anytime soon (thank God). Still, even though hurricane season begins June 1st, it’s not until mid-August (like, right now) that we typically see activity ramp up in the tropics. Specifically it is the Cape Verdes storms that come off the Western edge of Africa, track across the Atlantic, and slam into the hurricane magnet AKA as South Florida.
Without going into too much boring detail and jargon, suffice it to say that so far climatic patterns have been unfavorable for tropical storm formation (even though we've already had 3 named storms), but this appears to be changing. If you are a weather fiend like me, you can read about the cause and effect in more detail on Dr. Jeff Master’s Wunderblog (linked below right) and by perusing the NHC Website.
I hope that this season turns out to be another dud like last year; However, there is no El Nino like last year to ward off the storms (in fact there appears to be a building La Nina which would favor storm formation). I have no desire to be “locked down” in the Miami-Dade County Emergency Ops “star wars” room. I “volunteered” for this duty – I have no dependents (although Katie might quibble with that) and am apparently expendable. Don’t worry, I’ve been trained by the braintrust at the Dept of Homeland Security.
Still, I'm not counting on it. 2004 was another very active year (remember Ivan, Charley, Frances, Jeanne?), which didn't see it's first hurricane until August. Hurricane Bonnie (Aug 22) was the first hurricane of the 98 season, which went on to have twice the number of hurricanes as an average year. Then of course we have the first named storm of the 1992 season. It was a little storm named "Andrew" which steamrolled into Homestead as a cat 5 on August 24th. The area still hasn't fully recovered.
Oh, and for anyone who claims anthropogenic global warming is going to lead to more and more severe storms.... First, inquire if they have enough synapses firing to wipe their own ass, then point them to Dr. William Gray's website, and more specifically to the presentation page. This is really a topic for another time, but suffice it to say that contrary to popular opinion there is no evidence that global warming is leading to more (or more severe) tropical cyclones. Keep in mind that weather satellites have only been around for the last 30 years or so.
Anyone who says otherwise probably would lack the ability to find their own ass with the aid of a flashlight, map, and mirror. So lets pray for the best, and prepare for the worst. I don't know about you, but my hurricane kit has plenty of vodka, spam, and triple-ply Charmin.
Well, it seems that two of the major sports stories on the airwaves right now are the chase for 755 and the life and times of Michael Vick. I actually meant to post this a couple weeks ago, but given time to reflect I’ve actually come to a different conclusion. Bear with me.
Recently, a Federal Grand Jury indicted Michael Vick, AKA “Ookie”, on charges of “Conspiracy to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities”, and “to sponsor a dog in an animal fighting venture”. The details in the indictment are damning to say the least. We also have the little statistic that the conviction rate for defendants who have been indicted by the feds is somewhere north of 94%.
The outcry against Vick has been immediate and harsh. He’s been excoriated in the press and unceremoniously booted from the Falcon’s training facilities. My first inclination was to jump on the bandwagon. I mean I’m a dog lover too, and I’ve got some creative ways I’d suggest to punish those found guilty of the details spelled out in the 19-page indictment. Still this rush to judgement strikes me as being awfully similar to what happened to members of the Duke lacrosse team last year. And I really hesitate to stand lock-step with PETA on any issue.
So, I’m now firmly a member of the “wait and see” camp. The US District Court in Virginia is affectionately referred to as "The Rocket Docket", so we shouldn't have to wait too long. The trail is set to begin in November. This guy has all sorts of problems. I mean how stupid does a person have to be to have a $117 million dollar contract, tons of endorsement deals, be the face of a franchise and one of the top up and coming athletes in America and throw it all away on an illegal animal fighting syndicate? To top it off, one of his partners has flipped, and will be key to the prosecution’s case against Vick. But it’s a honest mistake, who would have thought a friend who went by “P-Funk” would be untrustworthy?
As for Barry, it’s pretty obvious to anyone with a modicum of sense that the guy isn’t exactly au naturale. I mean look at his head in 1986 and today. Hank Aaron’s mark of 755 is considered the most hallowed of all the sports records. No other sport places the importance on statistics and record keeping that baseball does. The fact that Bonds is going to break this record with the aid of chemical enhancement rubs the purists (and, well pretty much everyone) the wrong way.
You will often hear the talking heads prattle on about how Bond’s achievement should be noted with remarks of his assumed steroid use. This is asinine if you ask me. Regardless of what you or I may think, Bonds has never tested positive for anything. That's not naiveté on my part, I'mjust stating the facts. If you make exception for Bonds, you pretty much have to invalidate the entirety of the "Steroid Era".
I mean, how often do you hear people give consideration to the number of homers that bonds has hit off of pitchers using performance enhancing drugs? How ironic that Bonds hits the record-tying homer off Clay Hensley, who tested positive for steroids while in the Padres minor league system. Frankly, I’m sick of hearing about it. I’m also sick of Bud Selig. This steroid issue exploded under his watch and indifference, and he's just as culpable as Bonds.
Putting aside personal feelings about Bonds (I think he’s a dick), the guy is easily the best baseball player of this generation and one of the top 5 of all time. Look at the culture of sports today. The importance our society places on the exploits of athletes can be sickening at times. Given the amount of money in play, the competitive nature ingrained in these guys from day one, how can anyone honestly be surprised that some guys are willing to bend the rules (the steroid ban in baseball is only a recent advent of public & congressional outcry).
Think about it, if you were offered the opportunity to pop a pill that had minimal potential long-term side effects (when not abused) and become among the elite at your chosen profession how many people would turn that down? I have a hard time getting fired up over Bonds anymore. I don’t like the guy, but in the end I just really don’t give a shit.
